I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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