Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
