dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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