i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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