First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
