how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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