i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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