so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
