I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize