She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
