I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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