my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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