im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We left the knife in your bed.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
