there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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