you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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