And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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