I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
