fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
