my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
