I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
