If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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