my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
