Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
