He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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