Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
