If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am one with the molecules
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
