I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
