my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
