a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
