i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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