Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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