when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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