Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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