if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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