Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
