Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
