this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.