Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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