Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
