ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
