I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
