My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
