Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
