Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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