i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
