I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All I want is dick and wine.
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