Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
