when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
