So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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