i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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