I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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