and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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