If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
