I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
