my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
