Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
