I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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