I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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