perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
