Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
